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Parallel Parking: Denied

One of the biggest hardships that San Diegan motorists face is the danger that is designed into the system.

Not only danger to the motorists, but it’s almost as if the designers crave creating situations where motorists injure others.

It’s almost as if Jigsaw were designing our roads and parking lots. I can imagine him watching with a sinister grin and a cat on his lap.

A case and point is the totally superfluous parallel parking.

For one thing, many people do not know how to parallel park; it’s a total ordeal for them.

For another, it backs up traffic. Imagine the traffic congestion with several people all trying to wedge their vehicles into spaces not much bigger than them.

Nerves fray, and tempers flare.

All for parking that’s not necessary because by law every business, residence, and government office has to have ample parking.

In Mission Valley, especially, there’s a sea of parking. Why congest the lane further with more cars?

Also, who are these people who use inferior parallel parking when they could be using the good parking inside the lot? They don’t belong there because nobody uses such crappy parking unless they have to.

Next time you see a parallel parker roll up your windows and lock your door. They’re probably not a drug dealer or kidnapper, but it’s a fact, that many of these criminals use parallel parking as a base of operations where they’d be detected as illegitimate if they were forced to use the pre-existing, quality parking.

Also, parallel parking forces people to walk out next to traffic which is not safe. Every year people are killed or disabled because the passing traffic did not see them.

A couple extra parking spaces, that could be used by criminals, is not worth the risk.

I suggest making all parallel parking illegal until the city produces a safety standard for parking. Right now, no such document exists. Thus we should shut down all parking until it’s scientifically and logically proven to be safe.

Anti-Hate Speech: Approved

There are many who look down on motor vehicle advocates. They think that we are selfish, and all about hate.

This is not true.

In the SDMC, we have zero tolerance for hate. I don’t care what one thinks of a cyclist, they are human beings.

But we still need to remain vigilant and to police our community for hate.

For example, it was claimed recently that we routinely called bicyclists “road lice.”

This is not true. The last time we heard of this was in England…in the 1920’s!

Furthermore, there was the complaint that the US government waged a “final solution” program against cyclists: “Get out of our way or we will crush you.”

This claim, too, is mythical.

No country is perfect, but how dare someone slander the US for trying to off it’s own citizens.

Still, there still are jokes. I love jokes, and I ask, only, that they be told in a tone of good spirit.

For example, if one is going to tell a cycling joke, why not start out, first, with a motoring joke.

You know like the one about the lonely fat slob in a dirty t-shirt slouched over in a beat up old car who mocks a fit cyclist who’s riding with his hot girlfriend. I love that one.

Or the other one where the motorist who’s trapped in gridlock who thanks the cyclist for not coming up from behind him, while he texts, and slitting his throat. That one slays me. Haha.

After these jokes, you can tell the cyclist your joke.

Just don’t make it something that’s old and tired like, “I saw you on the road, and I didn’t even murder you.” Haha.

Be original in your jokes, and just say NO to hate speech.

Speedway Parking: Approved

Finally, finally, we have vehicle parking for the air show approved!

This, of course, was a tough process. Many member of the San Diego Motor Club were against offering parking citing their liberarian backgrounds.

“Americans are pioneers, and offering assitance in parking in any way will crush their spririts.”

Thanks Siegfried, but that kind of talk is unhelpful.

Others complained about the noise and the space.

“Real estate is valuable in San Diego so to waste vast amounts of space for storage of other people’s vehicles is going to be prohibatively expensive.”

Other people said that they personally had never heard of such an idea, and thus we can not do it.

“San Diego is totally unique in all the world. Parking lots might be great in Oklahoma, but in San Diego, we must reserach the whole issue all over again. All old data collected anywhere else, even in Southern California can be completely ignored.”

Finally, Jaylee, complained about vague “liability” problems.

“If someone gets hit while parking or if their vehicles are damaged, who are they going to sue? Not the SDMC which is why I say ‘no'”.

Well, I said “yes” and so did many other people.

Still, we need volunteers to help park the cars and to hand out bracelets. Also, a few words of encouragement is warranted.

But please, unlike last year, don’t act incredulous:

“You actually drove all the way here? I can’t believe it. I don’t know how you do it.”

Also, while safety is important, don’t over do it:

“You drove? I hope you don’t get t-boned on the way home and the air bag explodes on your face and suffocates you as you are pined between a semi-truck and a concrete wall. Also, I really hope that the semi isn’t carrying gasoline or chemicals which explode. Drive safe now.”

As for me, I’m coming in style!

I’m going to rent a “Volvo C70 Convertible”. I’m not actually going to drive it all the way to the show; I’m going to have it delivered in a flat bed truck.

But I will ride around a little in the parking lot!

Crisis Now: NOT Approved

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem.

Look around you, and what to you see?

That’s right, gray hairs on both our left and the right.

Where have all the motorists gone?

Turns out that the kids these days are starting to think that motoring is for old fuddy duddies.

I won’t even say the word “driving” anymore because the term has been appropriated by a spring chicken named John Forrester for cycling. That is, he took the verb “to ride or to cycle” and replaced it with the verb “to drive” with regards to cars.

Arguing by changing the English language around rather than real world examples, is kind of insane.

This lunatic, and all of his young friends actually mock motoring!

Like I told my nephew, “here’s the keys, let’s drive to the store” and he just looked at me disdainfully as for him “to drive” means to bicycle.

Thanks, Mr. Forrester. Thanks to all of you douches for the hatred of the next generation of kids.

Sure, we get cheaper gas, less traffic, and more free parking available, but that does little compensate us. We pay so much for our cars so we can _judge_ those who don’t spend as much.

If we can’t get the young-ins in the system, then we have failed, and we’ll just look like fools who spend too much for transporation, and trash the planet just to show off to other self-centered bastards.

That’s not what motoring is. Motoring is SEXY (can’t you smell that diesel on your dress?) and FREEDOM!

Thus, I propose some novel ways to trick (well not trick but convince) the next generation to drive.

1. Imply that they won’t get laid without a car (male).

Imply that you can’t put out if he doesn’t have a car (female).

2. Mock cyclists in movies. Show them being humiliated and hurt, then say just kidding when people emulate this behavior in real life. We can even imply that someone is a virgin for FORTY YEARS just because he’s too dumb to buy a car. Brilliant!

3. Buzz cyclists and harass them. Sure we look like weak willed bullies, but it’s a small price to pay for us to keeping our dignity.

However, don’t really hurt a cyclist because you can go to jail. Also, in some nanny states like California, you can be ticketed and even thrown in jail for something as harmless as threatening their lives with a vecicle. Losers!

Celebration: auto-eroticism

It seems that we have reached a nadir regarding traffic accidents in California. In fact, we are low as the 40’s where it was common for people to pick up strangers.

Wasn’t this crazy?

If being crazy and not being an asshole are the same things then yes, they were crazy.

If Steinbeck is to be believed, people gave one another rides all the time in order to pay back the universe who had given them rides. That’s because autos were not so widespread and people still recalled relying on stranger’s kindness for rides.

Then the whole “stranger danger” nonsense started because of a few isolated incidents and now by default most Americans hate one another.

If the cross section of suburbanites is to be believed, this is especially true of motorized suburbanites.

These poor saps are being fed a steady diet of paranoia. This fear isn’t harmless, but like Jack Nicholson’s character in _Easy Rider_ said, that’s what makes them dangerous.

That is, fear does not make people harmless; it can make people dangerous. Fear can allow people to engage in acts that they will never do in normal circumstances. Thus, spreading fear, when it is unfounded, is also as bad as spreading violence.

This fear is unfounded as accidents are down.

We should all be high fiving one another as we ride by one another because driving is safer than ever.

Join the love!

Be happy, people.

Govt Run Auto Factory: Denied

Imagine if the government was going to build a standard car and force us all to drive in it. We’d call it, say, the Obama-mobile.

That would suck, right. Because as motorists, we need to separate ourselves from the losers. You know who I’m talking about, the ones who drive those shit boxes which are older than three years old.

But that’s exactly what the government is doing to our transportation system!

No, not even the socialist congress has the audacity to institute a auto factory. Heck they don’t even want to feed the homeless so as socialists, they are kind of unaudacious.

No, they want to force you to drive their way.

I learned all this when a libertarian friend sat down with me for a beer or six, and he opened my eyes to “hidden socialism” all around us.

The biggest offender is, of course, the federal freeway system. What kind of joke is that? Did you know that

Hitler invented the freeway?

Just days after the 1933 Nazi takeover, Adolf Hitler enthusiastically embraced an ambitious autobahn construction project and appointed Fritz Todt the Inspector General of German Road Construction.

I didn’t either until my friend, Mr. Galt, opened my eyes. So they are not only socialist, but also fascist as well.

So what should we do?

I suggest following the libertian model of self-sufficiency. As my friend said, “the bigger the government, the smaller the individual.” And we have one of the biggest freeway systems in the world. No wonder why I feel so tiny.

I suggest that we sell off the freeways to private enterprise to allow them to do their magic like they have done with energy, for example, and with what they have done with housing. They’ll make things more efficient unlike the government which has totally messed its roads up.

I suggest that we get out there and pave the roads on our own. We all ready volunteer to pick up trash on the freeway, why not pave it, too.

After all, motoring is a sign of self-sufficiency.

This is true of my friends all of whom can fix their own cars with their own hands. Most of them are so free and self-sufficient that they assembled their cars with their own hands.

Let’s unleash that genius on the freeways so we can truly become a great motoring country!

Mandatory Helmet Laws: Approved

Looks like the San Diego Motorists Coalition (SDMC) has approved mandatory helmets…for motorists.

This new law should be phased in: starting with infants and moving up in age, until we will all be protected from the most common cause and one of the most lethal injuries in motoring!

For those of you who care about things like “hair”, shave it off or do like I did and tell it to fall out by itself!

Of course, this is not yet a law, but we will be distrubuting flyers on the sides of freeway on ramps for the next few weeks paid for by the Motorists Helmet Manufacturers Association. Thanks MHMA!

We will get the media on board to “raise awareness” by instructing all reporters to ask, regardless of reason for the death, if a motorist was wearing a helmet. This is in addition to the seatbelt question.

Now thanks to the magic of safety devices, we can drive even more blissfully unware of our surroundings.

Another benefit is “death deficit”. Because so many peopel will be alive, we’ll be able to raise the speed limit to compensate.